Random Thoughts: Looking Back

My story started when I decided to start living.

Seriously, I didn’t know when. I just felt it. Crazy right? Looking back, I realized I didn’t start living. I changed. And that’s when I my story actually started.

I fell in love with what I thought was real.

Define real. Dramatic, magical, a switch to have my heart beating fast—very fast. In short, I fell in love. Unfortunately, I was too young to deal with it. He was two years older than I am. I thought I saw forever back then. Jesus, forever is just a word. Kill the one who even invented that word.

Anyway, to cut it short, I was betrayed by an alcohol. Okay, maybe two to three bottles of alcohol when I lost my world. Not really lost but I guess I had this blackout and I can only remember glimpses of what happened that night. Or was it dawn already? I cannot be so sure. I don’t want to go through details but bottom line is, I lost my virginity to a guy I thought I like—and I am sure not love—for a night.

Pretty screwed up right? I know. And that’s when I changed.

A change of perspective made me get through the hell of depression I was suffering. It’s not a fairy tale world. There are no slow moments. Sparkling eyes and dazzling smiles are not always from angels. They can be from evils. Or is there such thing as angel? I am not so sure now. I realized how the world ‘love’ can be so delusional. Does it exist? Probably. But on what grounds? I am not so sure.

So I changed.

No more chitchats. Just let it be done. If a guy wants to hangout, I hangout. If he’s up for a kissing game, I let him be. Other below-the-belt stuff, I don’t engage. Life suddenly became too simple for me if the brain does the thinking more than what the heart is beating. It is easier that way and lesser pain. For a moment there, I was contented but not really that happy. I know something is still messing in my mind but I try to ignore it. Sometimes I succeed but at times, I fail. Still, I was okay with it. Or thought I was.

Then came another boy.

Anyone younger than I am or of the same age, I call him boy. Could be another experiment that I don’t really get myself into. Turned out, the simple story I want to just get done with became more complicated than I thought it was expected to be. And it hits me big—love exists.

 

 

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Look, I’m Sorry

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November 18, 2014 | 2:27pm | Digest Office 

It seemed like forever when I decided that you’re better off with someone else after more than a year of exchanging care. I know that what I was doing will be better for me. Yes, we can stay friends but I feel like falling each day and it scared me more. So I have to let you go.

I didn’t say sorry because I meant to do it. I have to close my eyes and click ‘block’ in Facebook because I think it’s the best way for me not to see you (with another one, I’m not sure). I deleted your number so that if I will miss you, I have no one to text—it was stupid. I know. And now I think I am sorry. Not because I meant to do all of it but because I was unable to explain why I have to do it. Just by merely thinking that I am hurting you again is another crucial state for me to conquer and that’s too much. If I was hurting you more by what I did, then I am sorry. I didn’t mean hurt you.

If you think that I was a rock for doing it, I’m not. You have no idea how I have to stare at my phone’s screen every night and every morning I wake up, waiting for the familiar last three digits to appear. It didn’t. That hurts me most, knowing that it’s okay for you for me to be away for a while (or forever). Stupid I for pretending you’re not in my veins—you are and that too, I am aware of. I was unsure of the alien feeling that I am not even proud of you. I don’t talk about you the way I do with other guys I have a huge crush. You were never my crush—you’re different.

My hands dragged me to the keyboards and I can’t stop punching it. I know you texted twice or thrice but I neglected it—more like ignore. It’s almost three weeks since your last message and I have no idea what the next three weeks will be bringing. I am not waiting; I am just hoping at least that maybe we can check if we’re okay. I know that somehow it dawned to you that the end had finally come and that there will be no more second or third chances upon this goodbye and I’m sorry.

The world is full of options but I didn’t choose you—you did choose me. I am sorry if I cannot choose you back. If you think that I have high standards or I am looking for someone better then I guess you’re wrong. I just need space and settle my heart first under my brain because honestly, it’s killing me. I can’t help myself from wondering about what ifs so I just stopped and came into a decision that it’s time to refocus why I was sent to school.

I have a long list of reasons and I cannot take back what I did to you so I am so sorry. I have no regrets and I am sorry about that too. Let’s just say that this is for the betterment of our future. If we will meet again, then I will be grateful. I didn’t delete you in my memories or in the picture of my tomorrow. You are still my best friend and I cannot thank you more.

If in love’s name we are for each other, then I will be blessed. But today, let us be strangers and be friends when we see each other. In the right time and right place, we will be right for each other.

I am sorry Elle. See you on the other side of the moon. Adios!

When Small things Matter

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I have this pretty weird theory of my being wherein I have to check if I am still being mean or simply being me. Don’t take it too wrong but I think I am falling to the wrong person. Super wrong I tell you.

So this is the part wherein I have to flash back some stupid memories. Mind you, these are simple it-happens-all-the-time memories but it’s just too sweet for me. But first, you should know that I never had a real boyfriend since birth. And when I say real boyfriend, what I mean is that I never had an ACTUAL boyfriend.

When this guy came over, I made a mental list of keeping things to myself especially when he does kind stuff. Like you know, carry my groceries and sort them out for me. Boys, honestly don’t do that. It’s so gay but if that’s the idea, then my father is supposedly gay.

Anyway, things are fast but that will not make any of his moves faster. Here’s what makes me smile every time I remember the scenes.

  1. He’s got a whole backpack behind him and I only have a small sling bag but he carried the whole grocery I bought. Whole grocery means two big bags full of cans and toiletries and foods and just everything I need. Me, not being so used with all these services, insisted on taking at least the other bag. He politely denied my insistent and moved on.
  2. I serve him during dinner and make sure he’d had enough and he keeps on saying thank you. Yeah, I always get thank you but from a guy who thinks serving him is not a good idea, that’s so sweet. He did the plates and kept the dining table clean for my satisfaction. He knows I have this impulse of keeping things on its right places.
  3. This is the best part. We were lying on our bed and he pulled the headset from his bag. He wants me to listen to this new set of songs he downloaded. I plugged in the other headset while he took the other one. Lying there with the small wire of headset as our connection felt too comforting. With our eyes close while listening to the lingering notes of our lullaby, I just want an endless song. Basically we have to stop from listening as a metal rock chimed in, disturbing our still thoughts. He’s still a guy and it will make me doubt if he really is when his playlist will be full of Taylor Swift songs. Not that I have a problem with Swift.
  4. I love it when someone cares. We were walking down the busy street and I felt a pull from the back. He said I should not be walking down the danger zone—you know where cars pass by and I am the most vulnerable creature walking on the side walk. He’s very particular with the walking position. He walking on the danger zone and me protected by his figure. It’s just too good to think how being a gentleman and being called an old school doesn’t bother him.
  5. There’s this one time when I was not comfortable with my clothes and chose to stay in the dark. Instead of joining his pals under the good spot of fame, he chose to stay behind and join me-myself-and-I company. I shooed him away for it is unnecessary for him to keep me. It’s not like I will have flu once I am on my own. Trust me, I am used to it—the being alone part. But still, he stayed behind. He even checked if I am okay because that time I feel so small with my OP clothes. With his warm presence, I will be okay forever.
  6. While roaming around the amusement park, I found myself drained. I can’t even keep up with the group of people I was with. Then I saw him walking back at me and asked if I’m fine. I am—now. I love it when he checks what I feel instead of me checking what other’s feelings are. He even bought foods for me and gave me his drink after taking some.
  7. It was one of those nights when he felt the ache in his head. I have no idea why he was so off. Stupid I for thinking my night will be ruined by his negative energy that I went off with another guy to discover the other places. I was so drowned with the new atmosphere this new guy is giving me but deep within I was wishing he also witnessed the place we were hanging out. When I have to go back to our place, I saw him playing and concluded that he’s okay with me being not around. When he saw us (me and the new guy), he hurried with a frown and said that he tried to call us. My phone was dead but the new guy received a missed call and text messages. His eyes were hurt when he seemed ignored and guilt surged in. I made it up with him by bringing him to this stupid bridge the new guy and I passed through.
  8. When I thought I was safe in my bed and suddenly it rained, I was wrong. The first thing that popped in my mind is to text him. HELP, one word and he was standing outside my place checking if I got wet. He even arranged a new bed for me that night. When he’s sure I was settled, he went back to his bed and texted me that I will be fine. I was and I can’t help but smile. I dreamed of rain and warm bodies that night.
  9. He carries my backpack, checks my water bottle if there’s still enough, and joins me just everywhere. He values every single minute we share—even at nights. We watch the stars and share stories. We exchange corny jokes and try to act that it was not funny—it is! All of it.
  10. When he knows he’s going to leave, he asks for permission saying he’ll be away for a while. I try not to tag along and I can see how it hurts him if I don’t ask at all. When he have to go out first and chances are too far for us to be together, he keeps it as a big deal but makes sure it will be fine and that he promise to be at the end of the bridge on that day.
  11. I finally have to bid goodbye on my short vacation. We both know it will be our last night together. When we were inside the bus, we slept as close as we can muster without clasping our hands. I tried to remember his scent and the rhythm of his breathing. It aches more when I saw the sun starting to peek from the east. We both know we will soon part but he didn’t deprive his self from caring for the last time. The ride was all warm and comforting. It makes my heart ache.

It was one of the most beautiful memories of my life. We kept in touch. He calls me when he misses a day seeing me and just act like he needs something. He even asks if the weather is good. I don’t know a life without him because basically, I will never live a life without him—he’s everywhere.

Unfortunately, I have to go back for what’s real. I mean he can’t be mine. He’s got a girlfriend. Yep, he does and that makes me love the wrong person. I can’t be his dirty little secret. I was never his dirty little secret. I am just a girl he loves to hang out with and maybe spend his summer while his girlfriend is away. He’s loyal—that’s why he can’t be mine.

Inspiration 101: The Power of Silence

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I can still rekindle the day when I just sat by our living room listening to my mom’s angry preach about the dirty laundry and messy things. My siblings and I just ruined the whole house when she was away. So when she saw the chaos, she was so upset and washed us with her motherly castigation

Then my sister tried to reason out (she always does) and I just observed her. Of course we have reasons like playing and having fun and all that stuff. Unfortunately, my mom didn’t take it well and my sister ended up with her butt in red spanks. Good thing I shut my mouth.

It was a simple childhood memory but it taught me well. There’s power in silence. My activist friend didn’t get the whole idea of choosing to shut my mouth instead of speaking out. He thinks that I’m a coward. Nope. I think I’m just taking everything in and see where can I inject my thoughts. The more I listen, the more I understand.

It’s pretty weird sometimes when I get a lot of compliment when all I do is stay silent. Inside our classroom once, I just listen to our World Literature subject and let my classmates do the oral recitation and gain the spotlight. I just listen. There’s comfort in it and I don’t care if I am invisible. Turned out, my invisibility issue was wrong. When my teacher called me since no one’s answering his question about the idea of the Gilgamesh story, I stood up. I answered as honestly as I could picking the right thoughts I gathered while I did the listening. My classmates were all looking at me (or I hope they’re just being respectful) and I can see the awe in their faces. I didn’t know what I said that afternoon but whatever that is, I just took the bigger spotlight.

You see, there are days when we have to speak up and I agree with that. And there are days when we just sit down and listen. I don’t know, there’s something comforting about hearing the world talk around you and learning from their beautiful stories. Yes, you do have a story to tell but wait for the right time for the book to be published. Who knows it will be a bestseller?

Drowning but Living

There’s a point in our lives when we just can’t stop the flood of problems bursting from every hole we never knew we created.

Lately, I literally drowned myself and see what dying feels like. Nehh… it was stupid. Turned out,I like the idea without being suicidal. More like peeking through the death’s eyes with a smile because you know you’re not yet dying. I can be crazy sometimes but life is way too short to take it seriously so they say.

So it’s like this–I’m in. I mean the challenges were on its higher level and I see no reason why can’t I even compete with them. I hope you do the same.

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ONE SUNDAY MORNING

It was raining so hard and I woke up alone
I peeked outside and the dramatic out pour made me smile
I sat beside the window listening to the cheerful splashes of raindrops
It was cold but there’s warmth from the coffee between my palms
A quite lullaby played softly beside me, it’s Ed Sheeran’s
Outside the window I just stared and sighed
I wonder what life would bring this time
It’s been awhile since I felt this
Calm, still, serene
This is LIFE.
I love it.

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The “No-Strings-Attached” Life

I like love stories. In fact, I love them. Only, I don’t want to be part of it…yet.

My father once told me that I will be a lonely woman when I’ll turn 20 and I’m still single. I was only 18 when he said that. I thought he was trying to challenge me and finally accept my suitors. I was afraid I’ll be considered as an unhappy one so I welcomed the idea of letting the boys in. When I turned 20, I was still single. I told my father that I am not a miserable young lady after all. Instead, I am satisfied and happy. Why?-because I have the chance to mould my world with my own hands, unstained by bitterness with the cruel reality of pain. Pain, for me that’s in deeper shade of colour when caused by love-so I stayed single.

Outside the Prison

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As much as fun is concerned, single means everything-young, wild and totally free. For more than two decades now, I still love the idea of going from one place to another without asking for my partner’s permission. I hang out with my friends at night without the guilt of meeting guys along the way; meet new Adonis clones and make them a good prospect but won’t commit anyway; do whatever crazy things my time could afford and do it all over again; and the best part is to be myself just the way I want to and not because I have to be someone I am not just to fit in the ‘girlfriend’ role.

Emotional Stress Free

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I am still a lady and guys are part of my existence. For the past few years, I’ve been to dinner dates with some of them but when serious things start to dawn, I just ran off from the scene. I always have this feeling that when commitment gets in, I feel obliged. Like I have to care a lot, love too much, think a lot, give too much and coat more sugar on my lips. Plus, to make things worse, the idea of being bothered all the time when there are petty arguments is just so stressful that it could ruin my day, not to mention sleepless night to start with. And the result?-eye bags, dry skin and zits. The last thing a young lady like me wants is to be an ugly, drowning in the sea of Aphrodite replicas.

Time is gold-and so is money

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I don’t know if there are couples alive today who are dating for free. From gifts to transportations, investments to dinner bills, money plays a big role in running a relationship. The best thing about being single is when you save more for yourself than invest with your partner and be put to waste when the relationship is unsuccessful. You only didn’t waste your time; you also wasted your heart, your trust and accept it, your money.

Commitment is sacred

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They call me ‘choosy’ and ‘the girl with high standards’ and I don’t care. It’s not about his social status and strong arms neither the protection he can offer nor the famous I-have-a-hot-boyfriend brand. It’s all about how high my respect to the word ‘commitment’ that really matters. I know that I am not yet ready for a serious one so I have to be very careful as to where my heart should be placed. I don’t play-and never will-because I believe in karma. Whatever I call this fling, it’s not playing-more like treading the waters but not diving into it. There’s a difference.

At the end of the string

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We are not cursed for God not to give us the glory of love. We can always be in love (or act like one) even there are no titles involved. Just because we are not committed doesn’t mean our heart is not beating anymore. Being single maybe alone but not lonely. And I have to disagree with the idea of being alone for I have allowed many people to come and join my singleness. Even Jesus did not fuss about the idea of being single so why should I?

Commitment to me is a gift. It is a treasure that can only be found by those who are brave enough to conquer the fear of the unknown. In the right time with the right man, I will commit. But today, I will live my life the way I wanted it to be-free and happy. I signed in to The Hook-Up Culture and I will be very grateful to sign out when I am ready to fall in love.