Vanity 101

Vanity 101

It’s way TOO TIRING to upload one by one. Here it is!

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The Healing Wonders of Prayer

I don’t go to church… lately. So it’s either that explains a lot of things or I have no idea what I am writing right now.

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The thing is, I woke up this morning and was like “when was the last time I prayed so seriously?” and I was slapped by the fact that I don’t remember. With the heavy loads, I sat down and prayed.

Later did I know that I was carrying a lot since the start of the year. Like I said, I don’t go to church and this Saturday I’ll make that a priority. The year started with an alcohol and that would be the last thing I wanted to remember but it happened so I have to add that on my memory list. Then the midterms exam and the requirements plus press work then quizzes then finals then requirements again and now relationships.. it just goes on. Guess I can’t do it all by myself.

So I prayed knowing today I will be taking two final examinations (and here I am writing on my blog instead of reviewing my notes) and I am not that confident with the problems that MIGHT come out. I was preparing for my 8 am exam in the City Health Office (Microbiology and Parasitology subject that I am sure I never even peeked a single note) when I received a text message saying “Exam today is rescheduled on Friday 1-2 pm”. You have no idea how happy I was.

Little miracles just come especially when we least expect it and that small thing lined a smile on my lips.

Lately, I’ve been having a hard time coping up with all the stress I’ve been dealing. I have my father who will be getting married very soon and I am not that prepared no matter how strong my optimism pushes me to the reality. My sister is like miles across the sea and I may have friends and older roommates to fill the gap but I am still longing for the familiar comfort of my very own Ate.

It was so weird listening to my early thoughts this morning as they debate on whether I am talking to myself or someone called “Angel” and another one called “Devil” is fighting over my brain. I have to fight the urge of sleeping while thinking about my exams and the thought of praying for it seems like I am just whispering to myself instead of believing on His existence. That was alarming as it crossed my little mind that I am walking away from God without me knowing what I was doing.

Good thing I have the memories of the old me. I was reminded that even how weak I am, helpless and vulnerable, I can still be as kind as I was as long as I’ll be reminded of God’s presence. The pride took over and then again I was UNAWARE and thankfully, I have to do something about that before things get worse.

Yesterday, I didn’t know how insensitive and NUMB I am until Kim poured her heartaches and anger before the meeting. All this time she was carrying the burden and I was frowning for not even noticing the majority of it. Worse, I was causing too much of her revelation and that’s not how it was supposed to be. As I can see it, my presence plus actions led her to so many misunderstandings that she can’t express and as I opened the issue, she just exploded. Am I that insensitive?

I prayed this morning that things will go smooth and was thankful for that revelation for at least I do know now that even my mere existence bothers the others without me knowing. I should have been paying more attention to details. It’s just that I was so caught up with bliss and all the ‘blocking-forgetting-forgiving’ mode that I missed some points. Communication and misinterpretation plus personality clash made mountains out of saw dusts.

It sounded like I was being innocent but maybe I am. I am mean and I don’t like it but there are things in which you just have to wear that kind of bad attitude for others to learn and guess I learned as well. As much as I’d love to dig the past, it’s not just me so leave it like that. I may have lapses and all but i think it took me to higher levels of learning but as much as possible, I am not tolerating the same mistakes again that’s why I have to look back and see where did I go wrong and learn then move on.

That’s LIFE-it’s either we deal with it or… deal with it.

When Things Will NEVER be the SAME anymore

Maybe I was so down and caught with my overflowing feelings but it never occurred to me that it was heart felt while I was writing this.

Just Lynette May

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I see friendship as precious as my life-I treasure them. But it’s not always laughter and crying over shoulder factors that keeps the flame burning, but also TRUST. Broken, it’s OVER.

Her name’s Kim. She’s smart and she’s too kind to avoid a good relationship with her. She never fails to comfort you and she’ll make sure you’re happy and that made her my friend. I remember one night of July 2013 when I was crying my hardest and she’s the only one around to tap my shoulders and all I was thinking was she’s one of the bests. I never regretted that she WAS my friend.

Things went rough when suddenly she suspended me with the reason of me not being an effective advocacy. I know she was just upset last November 2013 and all those depression went into my suspension and it brought me to places I never…

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When Things Will NEVER be the SAME anymore

Image

I see friendship as precious as my life-I treasure them. But it’s not always laughter and crying over shoulder factors that keeps the flame burning, but also TRUST. Broken, it’s OVER.

Her name’s Kim. She’s smart and she’s too kind to avoid a good relationship with her. She never fails to comfort you and she’ll make sure you’re happy and that made her my friend. I remember one night of July 2013 when I was crying my hardest and she’s the only one around to tap my shoulders and all I was thinking was she’s one of the bests. I never regretted that she WAS my friend.

Things went rough when suddenly she suspended me with the reason of me not being an effective advocacy. I know she was just upset last November 2013 and all those depression went into my suspension and it brought me to places I never knew to exist. I was crying all the time for I don’t know-maybe in pain for getting suspended on my most favorite job of all or by the fact that she may took it personally that I felt betrayed. She’s the Editor-in-Chief and I have no defense for the power she owned yet it was still unfair. I was hurt and I was dwelling on that fact instead of becoming rational with that idea.

Since then, I realized that I should have been more realistic to the fact that some people are still capable of hurting even how good they are. What’s more painful was when it dawned to me that those people who means a lot to us are the ones who are responsible of causing the most pain. I woke up the following day with my tears streaming down from my cheeks and I can’t stop. The last time I cried that hard was during my mom’s funeral day on March 2008. It’s been awhile.

I had this principle of making my enemies cry if I cried because of them but time taught me to heal and that principle is more like a revenge. I was bitter for the next few weeks and making our common friends choose between the two of us. I should have been happy for seeing the majority join me but I was guilty to see her all by herself especially when we are inside the office. I still missed her.

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It never crossed my mind that I will be affected by the loss of a friend for I don’t usually give a damn on friends since forever but Kim made me realize that friends do exist and yeah, they can hurt you the way they love you. If there’s one thing I learned, that’s when I have to give my best memories to the people all around me so that when time plays again, at least I have something to remind me that the friends-turned-to-enemies were ones the best people I knew.

If given a chance to go back, I would probably choose to restore the friendship Kim and I shared. My pride may be responsible for the idea of not talking to her or completely ignoring her presence but the last time I tried to bring back the camaraderie between us, I know that deep within, it will never be the same.

Life is too short to spend it with people you hate and I hate Kim so that makes sense. It’s not easy to see her inside the office and pretending she’s invisible while our common friends are having a hard time dealing with the two of us separately. Things are just not that fortunate between us and I’ve long accepted that. Maybe one of these  days we’ll be fine but like I said, it will never be the same.

Going Back to Childhood

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So this is the part of saying “if only it could be done”-gosh, how I wish I’m a  kid again.

I woke up one morning realizing life is too short and damn too fast. I even have to check myself from time to time before the mirror and all those wrinkles are killing me. Yes, at 20, signs of aging is quite visible. So when my friends were like “let’s watch The Lorax again!” and all I did was nod and poof, we traveled back to childhood.

That feeling when you want to rekindle, reminisce, and wander back to where and who have you been before becoming the person you are now, is just so fulfilling. Yes, we’ve been through a lot and we were scratched-deep or shallow-yet we grew. it’s amazing how time molded us to whoever we are and still have the chance to go back and see. Such an opportunity.

If given a chance to travel back in time and change something, I’d be willing NOT TO ACCEPT it for those memories will forever instill the beauty of my childhood and that, as I can see it, are the best days of my life.

My father’s getting MARRIED (again)

I’m not supposed to like pour out my emotions on this blog but I have no one to talk with so I guess I’ll make this as my diary since writing on my journal is not an option as of the moment.

Allow me to cry. Fine, he deserves all the happiness in the world but this weekend was a huge slap of reality to me. He’s having a hard time managing his time for us. he never even asked how my study goes on and that I was depressed. Not that I am still a kid (am 20, duhh) but hello, I’m still her daughter. So is there some kind of jealousy?-I won’t deny it.

Since I lost my mom 6 years ago, all I was praying was for my Papang to find a good wife to grow old with. I am not against but I was not expecting that the ongoing process of these adjustments would tear me apart. I just missed him.

I was frank when I told him that for just a minute or two, he could have stayed in our house (I’m not calling it ‘home’ anymore) and spend it with me as her daughter who visits our hometown once every two or more months. Fine, I maybe selfish but if I am really one then I should have forbid my father to engage into such kind of relationship in the first place.

I am just afraid of the future that when he gets married, he’ll completely abandon us. We need his moral support aside from the money he is sending to me. As the fourth of six children, I know we deserve that like any other children in this universe. We are lucky for having such a great father but I think it’s not still fair to just be left and ignored in times of need of his presence.

I love my father so much that giving him to that girl is a very painful sacrifice for his happiness for I know he deserves it as well but I just wished he’s still responsible as a father to us and not just a boyfriend to that woman.

He missed my sister’s thanksgiving for the reason of joining the girl’s dinner for she’s alone. Gosh, that’s my sister’s thanksgiving for Pete’s sake! He visits his girlfriend EVERY NIGHT so it’s not a loss if he’ll miss a night. And for my sister’s THANKSGIVING?

I can talk here all afternoon on how I disappointed I am but it’s no use. I chose to leave our house earlier than I planned because I see no point in staying longer. Still, I made sure that my message for him will be understood.

Lord, I am a good girl and never in my record I became a rebel. Especially for my father’s happiness, I will never be the antagonist. Please give me an understanding heart and more patience to surpass all these trails that one day when I’ll look back on this page, I will wear a smile saying “how immature yet honest… gosh, I grew”.