Was scanning through my gmail inbox and found Lisa’s mail saying she encouraged us to post comments on the entries. I did 🙂
Hi. After receiving the message from Lisa, I feel obliged (that’s what I felt) to somehow read the entries since I failed to submit mine. Fine, let’s get to the point.
First, erratum: Second paragraph, third sentence. ” Ever since migrating here to the United States over a decade again I have seldom gone out of state, so it no wonder that these four walls of this compact Brooklyn apartment …”
Please note the “so IT no wonder..” That’s IT’S or IT IS. Sorry, just highlighting that.
Anyway, that will not cause a whole lot of problem as you can see since it’s just a matter of “‘s” or “is”. But we cannot deny that such error could raise a brow (it did to me).
Second, I like the concept but it took me A LOT OF PATIENCE to finish the article. You see, with ALL HONESTY, I find it BORING. Oh don’t get me wrong but the way you write, you know you have the gift. But for me, you have to keep that 10 Seconds Rule. You lost it. As a writer, you should also consider (and reconsider again and again) the fact that you will have readers. Meaning, play the role as well.
With all the long paragraphs and scattered ideas all over the article, I have to say that GREECE IS COMPLICATED. I love your description but I didn’t feel it. It failed to take me to GREECE. Not that I have high standards but really, I am a reader and I expect good writers will bring me to places they’ve never been but still made me go there anyway.
Third and last, the organizing of ideas made me dizzy but like I said, I like the concept of the article. You, inside the apartment and all, let your mind fly across the sea and feel Greece yet for me, you based it all VISUALLY. It’s like you GOOGLE-ed the GREECE and clicked IMAGES and poof, you wrote out of it. In which I tell you again, is not a bad thing. Only, you could have at least let the feeling float rather than what the pictures simply offered.
I love your words but there’s NO HEART on it. I suggest you close your eyes and feel the breeze by picturing the sea. Close your eyes and feel the comfort of your feet kissing the warmth of the sands. Close your eyes and feel the whispers of the long buried tales before the ancient kingdoms of the Greece. Close your eyes and feel it all.
If you felt it, the readers will surely FEEL it as well.
Start with the noisy traffic down the street and describe it not on what you see but on what you felt about it. Connect such description to life. Connect your soul to your feelings and connect those feelings to the tip of your pen. You’ll understand what I meant when I say “there’s more to that article than what meets the eye” and that’s PASSION.