There’s this small part of me saying “Get a BOYFRIEND” but there’s this BIG part of me saying “NOT YET”.

This is me. I never had a REAL boyfriend since birth. Am I ugly? Oh no. “I am beautiful no matter what they say…” accordingly and I see no reason why I should be bothering on not singing the same lyrics. Anyway, it just felt, I don’t know…lonely?

First, I promised myself that I am not getting into ANY kind of ROMANTIC relationship until I turn 20. Then when I turned 20, I again promised myself not to get into a SERIOUS relationship until I am ready. Bottom line, I am still single.

Many TRIED, I tell you, but maybe I am just too choosy or have set a higher standard, but with all honesty, I’m not just there yet. I am still in this cloud of doing whatever I want and not asking for permissions from my partner or still drunk with the fact that I can sleep any time at night without being obliged of sending messages to the one I love. Well, I don’t want to get off the cloud just yet.

Unfortunately, especially when the calendar strikes 14th of February, it just sucks (if you’ll excuse the term) since I only receive flowers and candies from my friends and not BOYFRIEND. Yes, I am jealous with all the sweetness going on but ask me again if I want a boyfriend and my answer would still be NO.

There’s something in them that makes me wanna hide EVERYTHING and secure myself for the greater good. I don’t know where I got that concept since my parents love us with all the love they could muster but after seeing my college roommates cry and my sisters weeping, I just wanna go on and won’t bother looking back and let myself wonder on the what ifs.

So you think I am a sad person? Am I selfish? Well I guess YES. But that’s not a reason for me to be BAD enough to deal with. Maybe I am not just INTO it or simply AFRAID of not handling things the way I want it to. They say LOVE is a very powerful thing that could make you change for better or worse. It makes you grow. That’s scary. Growing is scary-it stretches you.

So how am I supposed to get over it? I don’t know. I could write a thousand and one words about the complicated idea of the mysterious subject but unless I’ll give it a shot, I’ll never know. So maybe that explains why I am full of ‘maybe’ since I am not even sure.

Either way, I know what I want as of the moment and I’m fairly sure I am honest to myself as well. I don’t want any boyfriends yet for I am too busy handling them but that doesn’t mean I am not going to love them as well.

We’ll see…


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