What Means The Most

I have to surpass the two decades of my life before jumping into this conclusion-I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT.

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They say “we are afraid of what we don’t know” and I say “we will not be as long as we know what we want” but then again, maybe I am really afraid of the future given the fact that I have no idea what I want in the first place.

Don’t take it seriously and yep, generally. I want a hot rice sprinkled with choco powder for breakfast to start with and I love PAINTING even if painting don’t do the same thing for me. Just stick with the philosophy of me not knowing what I really want in my life. And yeah, this is sad and fine, quite alarming.

As how I can see it, I have plans-plenty of them actually-but my time keeps me from achieving the majority of them. Second, that feeling of being unsure and doubtful on what would be the consequences I may enjoy or suffer after delivering a decision. As you can now see, I am not that strong but that doesn’t mean as well that I am weak. Alright, I’ve been through worse and I still believe the worse than that ‘worse’ is yet to come so yeah, you guessed it right, I am just so fearful of what tomorrow brings.

One day I woke up realizing how boring my life is. I go to school, attend my class, run errands in the org and go home then sleep. I am not really a big fan of night life so I barely go out. And yeah, I never had a boyfriend to start with so I see no reason why hanging outside my comfort zone is that ideal.

I am no loner and I can prove that. I travel to places during summer vacations and I participate in seminars and workshops so I have friends. I interact with the people higher or lower than my rank and I see no problem to that. I advocate peace and encourage solidarity but I am not an activist so again, I have friends. My family meets every holiday and we visit each other’s places if time is not that demanding so I have great relationship with them. Yet then again, that’s ‘them’ and this is me-what do I really want.

I could go on through a long list of proving the world that I am a NORMAL 20 years old lady but I still end up sighing and thinking what do I really want. So I took a 5 years course in Sanitary Engineering for me to see where I am heading. Now on my fourth year, I found myself typing on the keyboard with all the thoughts streaming out. So do you think I will be a writer?

Being a writer is BORING. I see how authors love it when they want all the silence in the world for them to ponder their creative imaginations and just pen it all out. That’s boring but satisfying as well. So I don’t want to be a writer.

I could practice my course if I’ll be a professional but judging on the state of my grades, I know I will not be an engineer in full time. Any options please? Oh there are plenty but then again, I don’t know which one to pick. Bottom line, I still don’t know.

Upon reading this blog, can you at least help me see what I missed? Maybe I’ve been wearing the shirt I deserve but was still on that cloud of thinking I am naked. Help me understand šŸ™‚

Thank you.

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