I don’t go to church… lately. So it’s either that explains a lot of things or I have no idea what I am writing right now.
The thing is, I woke up this morning and was like “when was the last time I prayed so seriously?” and I was slapped by the fact that I don’t remember. With the heavy loads, I sat down and prayed.
Later did I know that I was carrying a lot since the start of the year. Like I said, I don’t go to church and this Saturday I’ll make that a priority. The year started with an alcohol and that would be the last thing I wanted to remember but it happened so I have to add that on my memory list. Then the midterms exam and the requirements plus press work then quizzes then finals then requirements again and now relationships.. it just goes on. Guess I can’t do it all by myself.
So I prayed knowing today I will be taking two final examinations (and here I am writing on my blog instead of reviewing my notes) and I am not that confident with the problems that MIGHT come out. I was preparing for my 8 am exam in the City Health Office (Microbiology and Parasitology subject that I am sure I never even peeked a single note) when I received a text message saying “Exam today is rescheduled on Friday 1-2 pm”. You have no idea how happy I was.
Little miracles just come especially when we least expect it and that small thing lined a smile on my lips.
Lately, I’ve been having a hard time coping up with all the stress I’ve been dealing. I have my father who will be getting married very soon and I am not that prepared no matter how strong my optimism pushes me to the reality. My sister is like miles across the sea and I may have friends and older roommates to fill the gap but I am still longing for the familiar comfort of my very own Ate.
It was so weird listening to my early thoughts this morning as they debate on whether I am talking to myself or someone called “Angel” and another one called “Devil” is fighting over my brain. I have to fight the urge of sleeping while thinking about my exams and the thought of praying for it seems like I am just whispering to myself instead of believing on His existence. That was alarming as it crossed my little mind that I am walking away from God without me knowing what I was doing.
Good thing I have the memories of the old me. I was reminded that even how weak I am, helpless and vulnerable, I can still be as kind as I was as long as I’ll be reminded of God’s presence. The pride took over and then again I was UNAWARE and thankfully, I have to do something about that before things get worse.
Yesterday, I didn’t know how insensitive and NUMB I am until Kim poured her heartaches and anger before the meeting. All this time she was carrying the burden and I was frowning for not even noticing the majority of it. Worse, I was causing too much of her revelation and that’s not how it was supposed to be. As I can see it, my presence plus actions led her to so many misunderstandings that she can’t express and as I opened the issue, she just exploded. Am I that insensitive?
I prayed this morning that things will go smooth and was thankful for that revelation for at least I do know now that even my mere existence bothers the others without me knowing. I should have been paying more attention to details. It’s just that I was so caught up with bliss and all the ‘blocking-forgetting-forgiving’ mode that I missed some points. Communication and misinterpretation plus personality clash made mountains out of saw dusts.
It sounded like I was being innocent but maybe I am. I am mean and I don’t like it but there are things in which you just have to wear that kind of bad attitude for others to learn and guess I learned as well. As much as I’d love to dig the past, it’s not just me so leave it like that. I may have lapses and all but i think it took me to higher levels of learning but as much as possible, I am not tolerating the same mistakes again that’s why I have to look back and see where did I go wrong and learn then move on.
That’s LIFE-it’s either we deal with it or… deal with it.