Look, I’m Sorry

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November 18, 2014 | 2:27pm | Digest Office 

It seemed like forever when I decided that you’re better off with someone else after more than a year of exchanging care. I know that what I was doing will be better for me. Yes, we can stay friends but I feel like falling each day and it scared me more. So I have to let you go.

I didn’t say sorry because I meant to do it. I have to close my eyes and click ‘block’ in Facebook because I think it’s the best way for me not to see you (with another one, I’m not sure). I deleted your number so that if I will miss you, I have no one to text—it was stupid. I know. And now I think I am sorry. Not because I meant to do all of it but because I was unable to explain why I have to do it. Just by merely thinking that I am hurting you again is another crucial state for me to conquer and that’s too much. If I was hurting you more by what I did, then I am sorry. I didn’t mean hurt you.

If you think that I was a rock for doing it, I’m not. You have no idea how I have to stare at my phone’s screen every night and every morning I wake up, waiting for the familiar last three digits to appear. It didn’t. That hurts me most, knowing that it’s okay for you for me to be away for a while (or forever). Stupid I for pretending you’re not in my veins—you are and that too, I am aware of. I was unsure of the alien feeling that I am not even proud of you. I don’t talk about you the way I do with other guys I have a huge crush. You were never my crush—you’re different.

My hands dragged me to the keyboards and I can’t stop punching it. I know you texted twice or thrice but I neglected it—more like ignore. It’s almost three weeks since your last message and I have no idea what the next three weeks will be bringing. I am not waiting; I am just hoping at least that maybe we can check if we’re okay. I know that somehow it dawned to you that the end had finally come and that there will be no more second or third chances upon this goodbye and I’m sorry.

The world is full of options but I didn’t choose you—you did choose me. I am sorry if I cannot choose you back. If you think that I have high standards or I am looking for someone better then I guess you’re wrong. I just need space and settle my heart first under my brain because honestly, it’s killing me. I can’t help myself from wondering about what ifs so I just stopped and came into a decision that it’s time to refocus why I was sent to school.

I have a long list of reasons and I cannot take back what I did to you so I am so sorry. I have no regrets and I am sorry about that too. Let’s just say that this is for the betterment of our future. If we will meet again, then I will be grateful. I didn’t delete you in my memories or in the picture of my tomorrow. You are still my best friend and I cannot thank you more.

If in love’s name we are for each other, then I will be blessed. But today, let us be strangers and be friends when we see each other. In the right time and right place, we will be right for each other.

I am sorry Elle. See you on the other side of the moon. Adios!

When Small things Matter

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I have this pretty weird theory of my being wherein I have to check if I am still being mean or simply being me. Don’t take it too wrong but I think I am falling to the wrong person. Super wrong I tell you.

So this is the part wherein I have to flash back some stupid memories. Mind you, these are simple it-happens-all-the-time memories but it’s just too sweet for me. But first, you should know that I never had a real boyfriend since birth. And when I say real boyfriend, what I mean is that I never had an ACTUAL boyfriend.

When this guy came over, I made a mental list of keeping things to myself especially when he does kind stuff. Like you know, carry my groceries and sort them out for me. Boys, honestly don’t do that. It’s so gay but if that’s the idea, then my father is supposedly gay.

Anyway, things are fast but that will not make any of his moves faster. Here’s what makes me smile every time I remember the scenes.

  1. He’s got a whole backpack behind him and I only have a small sling bag but he carried the whole grocery I bought. Whole grocery means two big bags full of cans and toiletries and foods and just everything I need. Me, not being so used with all these services, insisted on taking at least the other bag. He politely denied my insistent and moved on.
  2. I serve him during dinner and make sure he’d had enough and he keeps on saying thank you. Yeah, I always get thank you but from a guy who thinks serving him is not a good idea, that’s so sweet. He did the plates and kept the dining table clean for my satisfaction. He knows I have this impulse of keeping things on its right places.
  3. This is the best part. We were lying on our bed and he pulled the headset from his bag. He wants me to listen to this new set of songs he downloaded. I plugged in the other headset while he took the other one. Lying there with the small wire of headset as our connection felt too comforting. With our eyes close while listening to the lingering notes of our lullaby, I just want an endless song. Basically we have to stop from listening as a metal rock chimed in, disturbing our still thoughts. He’s still a guy and it will make me doubt if he really is when his playlist will be full of Taylor Swift songs. Not that I have a problem with Swift.
  4. I love it when someone cares. We were walking down the busy street and I felt a pull from the back. He said I should not be walking down the danger zone—you know where cars pass by and I am the most vulnerable creature walking on the side walk. He’s very particular with the walking position. He walking on the danger zone and me protected by his figure. It’s just too good to think how being a gentleman and being called an old school doesn’t bother him.
  5. There’s this one time when I was not comfortable with my clothes and chose to stay in the dark. Instead of joining his pals under the good spot of fame, he chose to stay behind and join me-myself-and-I company. I shooed him away for it is unnecessary for him to keep me. It’s not like I will have flu once I am on my own. Trust me, I am used to it—the being alone part. But still, he stayed behind. He even checked if I am okay because that time I feel so small with my OP clothes. With his warm presence, I will be okay forever.
  6. While roaming around the amusement park, I found myself drained. I can’t even keep up with the group of people I was with. Then I saw him walking back at me and asked if I’m fine. I am—now. I love it when he checks what I feel instead of me checking what other’s feelings are. He even bought foods for me and gave me his drink after taking some.
  7. It was one of those nights when he felt the ache in his head. I have no idea why he was so off. Stupid I for thinking my night will be ruined by his negative energy that I went off with another guy to discover the other places. I was so drowned with the new atmosphere this new guy is giving me but deep within I was wishing he also witnessed the place we were hanging out. When I have to go back to our place, I saw him playing and concluded that he’s okay with me being not around. When he saw us (me and the new guy), he hurried with a frown and said that he tried to call us. My phone was dead but the new guy received a missed call and text messages. His eyes were hurt when he seemed ignored and guilt surged in. I made it up with him by bringing him to this stupid bridge the new guy and I passed through.
  8. When I thought I was safe in my bed and suddenly it rained, I was wrong. The first thing that popped in my mind is to text him. HELP, one word and he was standing outside my place checking if I got wet. He even arranged a new bed for me that night. When he’s sure I was settled, he went back to his bed and texted me that I will be fine. I was and I can’t help but smile. I dreamed of rain and warm bodies that night.
  9. He carries my backpack, checks my water bottle if there’s still enough, and joins me just everywhere. He values every single minute we share—even at nights. We watch the stars and share stories. We exchange corny jokes and try to act that it was not funny—it is! All of it.
  10. When he knows he’s going to leave, he asks for permission saying he’ll be away for a while. I try not to tag along and I can see how it hurts him if I don’t ask at all. When he have to go out first and chances are too far for us to be together, he keeps it as a big deal but makes sure it will be fine and that he promise to be at the end of the bridge on that day.
  11. I finally have to bid goodbye on my short vacation. We both know it will be our last night together. When we were inside the bus, we slept as close as we can muster without clasping our hands. I tried to remember his scent and the rhythm of his breathing. It aches more when I saw the sun starting to peek from the east. We both know we will soon part but he didn’t deprive his self from caring for the last time. The ride was all warm and comforting. It makes my heart ache.

It was one of the most beautiful memories of my life. We kept in touch. He calls me when he misses a day seeing me and just act like he needs something. He even asks if the weather is good. I don’t know a life without him because basically, I will never live a life without him—he’s everywhere.

Unfortunately, I have to go back for what’s real. I mean he can’t be mine. He’s got a girlfriend. Yep, he does and that makes me love the wrong person. I can’t be his dirty little secret. I was never his dirty little secret. I am just a girl he loves to hang out with and maybe spend his summer while his girlfriend is away. He’s loyal—that’s why he can’t be mine.