Look, I’m Sorry

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November 18, 2014 | 2:27pm | Digest Office 

It seemed like forever when I decided that you’re better off with someone else after more than a year of exchanging care. I know that what I was doing will be better for me. Yes, we can stay friends but I feel like falling each day and it scared me more. So I have to let you go.

I didn’t say sorry because I meant to do it. I have to close my eyes and click ‘block’ in Facebook because I think it’s the best way for me not to see you (with another one, I’m not sure). I deleted your number so that if I will miss you, I have no one to text—it was stupid. I know. And now I think I am sorry. Not because I meant to do all of it but because I was unable to explain why I have to do it. Just by merely thinking that I am hurting you again is another crucial state for me to conquer and that’s too much. If I was hurting you more by what I did, then I am sorry. I didn’t mean hurt you.

If you think that I was a rock for doing it, I’m not. You have no idea how I have to stare at my phone’s screen every night and every morning I wake up, waiting for the familiar last three digits to appear. It didn’t. That hurts me most, knowing that it’s okay for you for me to be away for a while (or forever). Stupid I for pretending you’re not in my veins—you are and that too, I am aware of. I was unsure of the alien feeling that I am not even proud of you. I don’t talk about you the way I do with other guys I have a huge crush. You were never my crush—you’re different.

My hands dragged me to the keyboards and I can’t stop punching it. I know you texted twice or thrice but I neglected it—more like ignore. It’s almost three weeks since your last message and I have no idea what the next three weeks will be bringing. I am not waiting; I am just hoping at least that maybe we can check if we’re okay. I know that somehow it dawned to you that the end had finally come and that there will be no more second or third chances upon this goodbye and I’m sorry.

The world is full of options but I didn’t choose you—you did choose me. I am sorry if I cannot choose you back. If you think that I have high standards or I am looking for someone better then I guess you’re wrong. I just need space and settle my heart first under my brain because honestly, it’s killing me. I can’t help myself from wondering about what ifs so I just stopped and came into a decision that it’s time to refocus why I was sent to school.

I have a long list of reasons and I cannot take back what I did to you so I am so sorry. I have no regrets and I am sorry about that too. Let’s just say that this is for the betterment of our future. If we will meet again, then I will be grateful. I didn’t delete you in my memories or in the picture of my tomorrow. You are still my best friend and I cannot thank you more.

If in love’s name we are for each other, then I will be blessed. But today, let us be strangers and be friends when we see each other. In the right time and right place, we will be right for each other.

I am sorry Elle. See you on the other side of the moon. Adios!

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