Random Thoughts: Looking Back

My story started when I decided to start living.

Seriously, I didn’t know when. I just felt it. Crazy right? Looking back, I realized I didn’t start living. I changed. And that’s when I my story actually started.

I fell in love with what I thought was real.

Define real. Dramatic, magical, a switch to have my heart beating fast—very fast. In short, I fell in love. Unfortunately, I was too young to deal with it. He was two years older than I am. I thought I saw forever back then. Jesus, forever is just a word. Kill the one who even invented that word.

Anyway, to cut it short, I was betrayed by an alcohol. Okay, maybe two to three bottles of alcohol when I lost my world. Not really lost but I guess I had this blackout and I can only remember glimpses of what happened that night. Or was it dawn already? I cannot be so sure. I don’t want to go through details but bottom line is, I lost my virginity to a guy I thought I like—and I am sure not love—for a night.

Pretty screwed up right? I know. And that’s when I changed.

A change of perspective made me get through the hell of depression I was suffering. It’s not a fairy tale world. There are no slow moments. Sparkling eyes and dazzling smiles are not always from angels. They can be from evils. Or is there such thing as angel? I am not so sure now. I realized how the world ‘love’ can be so delusional. Does it exist? Probably. But on what grounds? I am not so sure.

So I changed.

No more chitchats. Just let it be done. If a guy wants to hangout, I hangout. If he’s up for a kissing game, I let him be. Other below-the-belt stuff, I don’t engage. Life suddenly became too simple for me if the brain does the thinking more than what the heart is beating. It is easier that way and lesser pain. For a moment there, I was contented but not really that happy. I know something is still messing in my mind but I try to ignore it. Sometimes I succeed but at times, I fail. Still, I was okay with it. Or thought I was.

Then came another boy.

Anyone younger than I am or of the same age, I call him boy. Could be another experiment that I don’t really get myself into. Turned out, the simple story I want to just get done with became more complicated than I thought it was expected to be. And it hits me big—love exists.